Why New Years Resolutions Are Bullshit
 
            Do you always make a list of goals for yourself for the upcoming year? Do you always stick to these self-promises? If you are a strong believer in New Years resolutions, then do yourself a favor do not continue reading this. Seriously stop. Right Now.
 
Okay, now that I have my half cynical and half realistic audience, listen up: New Years resolutions are bullshit. People make promises to themselves they know, in the back of their minds, they will never keep. It gets to the point where resolutions become borderline impossible. Call me dramatic, call me ridiculous. But look deep inside you: have you ever stuck with a single goal that you were determined to keep for a full 365 days? Didn’t think so.
            But don’t worry, nobody is perfect. These following resolutions will, without a doubt, result in a fail. (Unless you are a believer and didn’t stop reading when I told you to, then you cheated).
 
Stop Eating Junk Food
Are you serious right now? As if you can sit through a movie without chocolates and popcorn. As if you can go through a traumatic event, like a breakup or an Actor’s death, and not indulge in pints and pints of Half Baked ice cream. To not eat junk food is to take away your oxygen supply. Okay, maybe less important but still. You are literally making yourself suffer by not having ice cream, or chocolate, or chips, or French fries for a year. No good. Also, let’s be real. On New Years day, you think you are going to want something healthy to cure that hangover? No. You need greasy, sweet, and salty. Resolution over in less than one day.
 
Exercise Everyday
This one could potentially last longer. Sure, this could go on a week or two and yes, you are finally getting into shape (or so you tell yourself). And then, you wake up late on a Saturday. You want to spend the day under your soft covers, watching any marathon on TV that will keep you from leaving your cozy bed. And then you snack all day because what’s better than breaking “stop eating junk” with “exercise everyday”? You say you’ll go to the gym tomorrow, but we all know you are lying to yourself. It happens to the best of us. That one day break you take will turn into months of saying, “I’ll go tomorrow.” Mhm.
 
Clean Out Your Closet
Do you have stuff in your closet from freshman year of college? I bet you haven’t worn it since before that year, too. But for some bizarre reason, you have developed an attachment to those jeans that don’t button, to that shirt that doesn’t even cover your boobs anymore, and to that dress that miraculously became a shirt in the past some odd years. This is a goal that could be done; it just never happens for us procrastinators in this world. We’d much rather break another resolution than have a less congested closet that we have to look at every day, more than once.
 
Stop Impulse Shopping
But these shoes are so cute! But wow, look at that dress! I’ll totally wear it more than once. But guys, come on, how amazing are theses sunglasses. You just made a goal to stop buying whatever is in your line of sight, so stop! Jesus, those shoes are not that cute, the dress will never see the light of day, and you look ridiculous in those sunglasses. Not every single thing in every single store is meant for you. You don’t need it. You will survive without it. This resolution is not hard to keep, yet it gets broken within the first few weeks with sales and what not. Tsk tsk.
 
Watch Less Television
This one is funny because it actually seems legit and possible. But then you realize that it’s 2014. A new show comes out practically every month. What happens when you’re sick? What happens when a must watch movie is on? Don’t tell me you are going to read a book because that is BS. Just like working out, this could very well last a week or two, but guess what? February equals Valentine’s Day. You’re single and do not know what you are doing for that entire month. I’ll tell you. Watching Romantic Comedies or even just Sad Love Movies and breaking resolution “stop eating junk” and “exercise everyday” all over again. It’s okay; February gets the best of us, but at least Ryan Gosling is there to help.
 
Stop Cursing
This is a fucking joke, right? Stop cursing? First off, who ever makes this a goal for the new year must think that they are spending this whole year in a room, by themselves, where nothing and no one can encourage one of their semi mental breakdowns. Cursing makes the world go round (sorry, grandparents). It’s just a natural way of life at this point. Think reality: the next time you stub your toe, try not saying, “holy shit, that hurt”; the next time you’re computer bugs out on you, try not saying, “what the fuck just happened!?”; and the next time you have to deal with a man, in any way, try not saying, “you are such an asshole.” It is not easy. Why make a goal to stop cursing when it is so fucking fun? A little profanity spices things up, so why ditch the spice in your vocabulary?
 
 
I really do apologize for bursting the bubbles of those who thought 2014 would be different. But on the bright side, you now know you don’t need resolutions to have a great year. My advice? Make hourly goals, not yearly ones.

Jamie Rothberg | Writer | Chicago

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