To Have or Not To Have... A One Night Stand

 

            The dry spell. It fucking blows. All you can think about is sex. You are with your girlfriends at a bar on a Friday night, but you have no idea what they are talking about. You know why? Because sex, that’s why. You think they are talking about some stupid gossip that feels irrelevant to you because all you are thinking about is the sex that you are not having. It’s true, friends. And have all been there. The fucking dry spell. Besides running out of your favorite ice cream, or vodka for that matter, dry spells could be the worst thing in the world when you are in your twenties. Suddenly, every single phrase reminds you of sex. Suddenly, every single man looks attractive to you. Suddenly, your dreams become daydreams, which then become erotic fantasies with any man that crosses your path. When this happens, it is time to get laid.

            Back to the bar. Stacy is talking about how slutty Jenny’s dress is, but you are staring at a man in the distance. You smile because he is smiling at you. Obviously you are not looking for a relationship because honestly, you are not ready for that yet. There is too much going on in your life plus, you just want to be single and have fun. Nothing serious needs to happen. And then the phrase comes to mind: a one night stand. Why not, right?

            To those of you reading this and calling me a slut right now, I beg to differ. To those of you telling me this is the wrong decision, I ask you: have you ever been without sex for so long that you physically drool whenever you watch Channing Tatum in any movie he has ever been in. Let me tell you something, having a quickie with Hottie McSexy is not slutty. Girls have needs, too. It is not just the men who need to be satisfied sexually. It is a jungle out there. A girl can snag that guy you’ve been eying because you second-guessed yourself. Don’t! Now, to define this sexual encounter. After carefully thinking about this, I have come to this final conclusion. A one night stand is when you meet a man out, not knowing him ahead of time, talking to him at designated location, returning to his place or yours that night, having sex with him, and part ways the following morning, with intentions of never speaking again.

            But listen, I am not saying go around and sleep with a different guy every single night. This one hit wonder should not be a “regular” ending to a night out with friends hence, the ONE hit wonder. If you are in a slump, if you are feeling that spell getting dryer by the goddamn second, then extraordinary measures must be taken. THAT is when the one jungle becomes your hunting ground.

 

Now that I have defined a standard one night stand, it’s only fair that I give you tips on how to successfully pull one off.

 

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You must go out with intentions of having this rendezvous. This is just for sexual reasons and you have to know it will happen. Eyes on the prize.

 

Tell the Girls

Tell you friends that these are your intentions before you go out! The last thing you need are cockblock bitches.

 

What do you think you’re going to wear?

I’ll tell you: look hot. If you want a man smiling at you at a bar, you have to look good smiling back.

 

Confidence

Be confident. Sexy even. If you are timid while this whole process takes place, you will not get what you want. Confidence is key. Self-esteem will obviously help, too.

 

Do Not Be That Annoying Girl

Do not have any expectations the next day and every day after that. It was a one time thing, remember? Let it go, you got what you wanted!

 

Location, Location, Location

It is okay if he comes home with you for the one night stand. You don’t have to go to his place. Or have fun in a car. Or a bathroom. Or in the nice fresh air. The world is your oyster.

 

Do You Suddenly Have Two Left Feet?

If you are too drunk and know in the back of your mind that this is a bad idea because you are burping up tequila shots, a one night stand is not the move tonight. Same goes for the guy, if he is tripping all over the place as he attempts to put your jacket on for you, tell him, “maybe another night.”

 

Wrap It Up!

Bring condoms! Girls are allowed to carry condoms. Who cares? In the future do you want to be single or single with child?  Let’s not have a Knocked Up 2 movie, ladies.

 

So ladies, I think we finally have a moral to our spells that are so called dry. Find Hottie McSexy and make your move! End that spell. I support you.